DISCOVERING YOURSELF WHILE PARENTING A NEURODIVERGENT CHILD

Hello! I am Becky, a neurodivergent parent carer to three neurodivergent children and was diagnosed with ADHD four years ago. Over the past eight years, I have supported and represented parent carers, many of whom are neurodivergent themselves. For the last eighteen months I have been working as an ADHD coach, including supporting parent carers to better understand their ADHD alongside the realities of caring for their children. The reflections shared here draw on both lived and professional experience, and on the patterns I repeatedly see in neurodivergent families.

For many parent carers, discovering that we are neurodivergent doesn’t begin with ourselves, it begins with our child.

The moment everything changes

The realisation that your child may be neurodivergent can trigger a range of emotions. There may be relief at finally having a reason for what you are seeing, fear about what lies ahead, grief for the challenges your child may face, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility to advocate for their every need. At this stage, many parents are entirely focused on their children. For some parent carers, this journey will also lead to an unexpected discovery: that they are neurodivergent too.

The hidden load of being a parent carer

Becoming a parent carer often means stepping into an unknown world of, paperwork, appointments, school meetings, advocating and constant decision-making. You have to navigate complex systems, learn new language and acronyms, and repeatedly explain your child’s needs to people who may not fully understand them. Everything feels deficit based, with little opportunity to talk about your child’s strengths.

For parent carers with ADHD, this load can feel especially relentless. Demands on your executive functioning are high and constant. There is hardly any time to recover, particularly when your child is unable to attend school and your caring responsibilities become non-stop. Emotional regulation happens frequently, rejection sensitivity is triggered by repeated knock- backs, and burnout is very real.

Many parent carers put themselves second, or usually last. Your child’s needs take priority, appointments focus on their child, and support (when available) is almost always focused on their child and only after having what feels like a battle. Parents’ own needs are often overlooked, even by professionals. Social care packages may be in short supply, leading to no respite from their caring responsibilities. Parent carers may not yet recognise that they may also be neurodivergent, and they are simply doing everything they can to keep going.

Realising you are neurodivergent too

As parent carers begin to learn about neurodivergence so they can support their child, something unexpected can happen. What they learn starts to feel familiar. Things resonate. Strengths feel relatable. Past experiences suddenly make sense. For many, this is the moment when the penny drops.

Realising you are neurodivergent, especially later in life, can cause a complex mix of emotions. You can feel relief in finally understanding yourself, clarity about why certain things have always felt harder, and validation that you are not “lazy”, “too much”, or failing. There may also be grief for the support you never had, and compassion for a younger version of yourself who struggled so much without knowing why.

All this processing happens while you are still a parent carer. There is rarely time or space to explore your own neurodivergence fully, because the focus remains firmly on your child. Many neurodivergent parent carers receive little or no support for their own needs, despite the significant emotional and cognitive load they are carrying. They also have no choice but to continue to prioritise their child’s journey.

Parent blame and the fear of disclosing their neurodivergence

Parent blame is a well-documented part of many parent carers’ experiences. Professionals can focus on parenting approaches, rather than their child’s neurodivergence, and question the parent carer’s approach or boundaries.

For neurodivergent parent carers, this can feel even more complex. Some parents worry that disclosing their own neurodivergence will add another layer of scrutiny, and they will be seen as the reason for their child’s struggles. ADHD traits, such as disorganisation, impulsiveness, emotional dysregulation, or communication differences, can be misunderstood and misinterpreted as something they’re not.

As a result, many parents mask heavily when with professionals or school staff for example. They work hard to appear organised, calm, and capable, even when they are exhausted. Others choose not to share their neurodivergence at all, feeling that it is safer to keep this part of themselves hidden. Disclosure becomes a risk rather than a straightforward decision.

Parent carers may also be struggling as they become triggered by their own negative school experiences as they navigate their child’s educational journey. They may be on a long waiting list for an assessment and then ADHD medication; be unable to access support for their mental health; not receiving the right support in the workplace and/or experiencing family and friends being dismissive. Intersectionality adds additional challenges and barriers.

It is vital that professionals working with families recognise this. A parent carer may be neurodivergent and not feel safe to share this or may not yet realise it themselves. This is why it’s essential that parent carers are met with support, patience, compassion, curiosity, and a non-judgemental approach.

Strengths neurodivergent parents bring

While much attention is given to the challenges neurodivergent parent carers face, far less is said about the strengths they have.

Parents with ADHD often have exceptional advocacy skills. Hyperfocus can become a powerful asset, helping parent carers to learn in depth about SEND processes, understand complex guidance, and navigate tangled systems. Many become highly knowledgeable about SEND law and educational rights, driven by the need to support their child effectively. ADHD is also associated with high levels of empathy and emotional intelligence.

Neurodivergent parents often have a deep understanding of their child’s anxiety and emotions. They are skilled at recognising masking, validating emotions, and supporting with co-regulation. Creativity and flexible thinking help with problem-solving, particularly when certain approaches do not work. These strengths are central to how neurodivergent parents care, advocate, and connect.

Where ADHD coaching fits

For some parent carers, ADHD coaching becomes a turning point. Coaching offers a strengths-based, non- judgemental safe space to explore both parenting and personal neurodivergence, without blame.

ADHD coaching can support parent carers to:

• process executive functioning demands
• reduce overwhelm and burnout
• develop compassionate, realistic strategies
• reframe internalised blame
• recognise and use their strengths
• create balance within a neurodivergent household

Coaching does not ask parents to become “more neurotypical”. Instead, it supports them to work with their brain, not against it, while acknowledging the realities of caring responsibilities.

Rewriting the narrative

Being an ADHD parent carer is a complex, demanding but rewarding role.

Discovering your own neurodivergence while parenting a neurodivergent child can be overwhelming, but it can also be empowering. With understanding, support (including from peers), and strengths-based approaches, parent carers can begin to change any negative internal narrative, challenge blame-based assumptions, and move towards self-compassion.

When neurodivergent parents feel psychologically safe, accepted, recognised and supported, relationships with professionals improve.

Parent carers are not just raising neurodivergent children. Many are also rediscovering themselves, healing old wounds, and building a more compassionate future, for their children as well as themselves.